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David Harcourt
Administrator
| Joined: | 31 Dec 1969 |
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| Posts: | 1127 |
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Posted: 21 Jul 2006 08:10 pm |
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I have received an email this morning from someone who describes herself as "The Landscape Poisoner". (She may be prepared to identify herself more precisely, and I would strongly encourage her to do so, but only ask that she not tell us how she has come to be known as "The Landscape Poisoner"; I don't believe I could read that story twice.) TLP describes Hell in these terms:
* Everything would be made from suede - all the furniture, clothing, bedding and carpet.
* There would be only beetroot and chicken to eat.
* The dryer and the dehumidifier would run 24 hours a day.
* I would have to wear tight clothes and a hefty bra and a belt.
* Dick Hubbard would the Mayor of the world and Road Service Officer Auk026 would be there to talk about how he must have been "a naughty boy" because despatch
picks on him all the time and how crap his roster is.
* There would be lots of worms and I would constantly be standing on snails and killing them.
* People would tickle my neck all the time.
* I would not be allowed to wax my eyebrows and I would weigh 24 stone.
* The kitchen would be very dirty.
*I would take up smoking.
* I would never be allowed to wash my hair again.
* My reading material would consist of either discarded packaging or instruction manuals for complex electronic items.
So there it is. Another utterly convincing vision. Those of us who live outside Auckland will have noticed something which those who live there will almost certainly miss: this lady makes the unconscious assumption that Hell is in Auckland. Or even, perhaps, that Hell IS the city where no pillow goes unbitten.
More, please!
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ladeda
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| Joined: | 31 Dec 1969 |
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| Posts: | 45 |
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Posted: 21 Jul 2006 09:48 pm |
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David Harcourt wrote: I had a thought this morning which involves a contradiction.
Perhaps Hell is a place where, in addition to getting custom-made, personally designed accommodation, many of us will also get a punishment which we have earned in life. I think there are elements of this in Dante's Inferno, but it's a long time since I read it. I will check on this over the weekend. (The full text is accessible through The Unscrambled Web, in case you're interested.)
Meantime, if Hell is such a place:
* All gourmets, food writers and restaurateurs will, as I suggested would happen in my own Hell, be required to eat each day what they ate the day before.
* Similarly, all wine buffs will be required to drink their own water. (I remember that there was a prime minister of India who followed this practice. On a visit to the United States every question he was asked by reporters focused on this issue, to the exclusion of any other. He refused to give any interviews after the first day of his visit. But I digress...)
* Obviously, all smokers would be required to eat their own butts or stubs, from a lifetime's collection.
* All message board junkies will have message boards where the only members to converse with are banned members, or the ones they least wanted to converse with while they were alive!
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David Harcourt
Administrator
| Joined: | 31 Dec 1969 |
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| Posts: | 1127 |
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Posted: 22 Jul 2006 12:21 am |
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ladeda wrote: * All message board junkies will have message boards where the only members to converse with are banned members, or the ones they least wanted to converse with while they were alive!
Nice one, although I am inclined to think that what the Prince of Darkness has in mind for message board junkies is no message boards.
Which leads, of course, to speculation about the messages one might expect to read on the boards in Hell:
* IF YOU READ THIS, REPORT IMMEDIATELY TO THE MAIN SEWER, WHERE AN UNPLEASANT SURPRISE AWAITS YOU
* Looking for a better life? Want to feel the sunshine again? Want to feel the grass beneath your feet? Yes? You do? Really? Really really? It's a pity that reincarnation's a crock, isn't it?
* YOUR MOTHER IN LAW WILL BE JOINING YOU SHORTLY
* Incontinence sufferers: Ritual humilation will be at noon today. Be at the Derisory at 11am sharp, or else. (You don't want to know what "else" is.)
* Helen Clark: If your name is Helen Clark and you were once prime minister of New Zealand, this is your lucky day. A "Don Brash" will be joining us today and he will be your partner in the Three Legged Race around Mt Excrement. After 17 million laps the two of you should know each other very well.
And so on.
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TopRank
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Posted: 23 Jul 2006 11:21 pm |
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1. Everywhere I went there would be panel televisions on the walls blaring out the advertisement for tic tacs (it's only two calories). The name I have for the woman in the tic tac ad is unmentionable on these here forums.
2. Nobody would talk, they all would whistle instead. All day, non stop.
3. Cricket would be played non stop and would be televised live only stopping for tic tac ad breaks.
4. There would be no Sambuca.
5. I would have to wear spandex clothing with no supporting undergarments.
6. There would be newspapers and junk everywhere and I'd be living in a single bedroom 'hell hole' with a compulsive hoarder.
I could go on...
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David Harcourt
Administrator
| Joined: | 31 Dec 1969 |
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| Posts: | 1127 |
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Posted: 24 Jul 2006 12:35 am |
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TopRank wrote: I could go on...
Please do.
You don't say what you will have to eat and drink in Hell.
And you don't say where Hell is. In your case I'd have suspected Hamilton, but it's more probably Auckland, given that you have to live there, poor thing.
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TopRank
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Posted: 24 Jul 2006 08:48 am |
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I would have to drink coffee, tea or milk. There would be no Orange Juice, strawberry milk, diet coke or Sambuca.
I would have to eat... well the problem with this is I'm not too fussy on that front haha! OK I'd have to eat sausages cooked in Mt Eden or anything with Avocado in/on/around it. HGmm... Pork Sausages with Avocado and a touch of Tree Tomato's (I'm allergic to them)
As for where would I live -
"Two aging sisters live as virtual recluses in an old Hamilton mansion. Nicola, a failed bank employee, cares for her crippled sister Tracey, who's career in later years eclipsed that of Nicola. Now the two live together, their relationship affected by simmering subconscious thoughts of mutual envy, hate and revenge while they argue bitterly over the last bottle of sambuca."
(does anyone recognise this re-organised synopsis - DH - Movie will be sent to you in the next shipment once I find it!!)
My underwhelming thought on Hell is - what's so different about Hell and real life really!!
On that note I bid you all... farewell!!
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giraffeinfall
Member
| Joined: | 31 Dec 1969 |
| Location: | Australia |
| Posts: | 191 |
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Posted: 24 Jul 2006 10:12 am |
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Tagline: Sister, sister, oh so fair, why is there booze all over your hair? 
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David Harcourt
Administrator
| Joined: | 31 Dec 1969 |
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| Posts: | 1127 |
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Posted: 24 Jul 2006 08:45 pm |
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TopRank wrote: "Two aging sisters live as virtual recluses in an old Hamilton mansion. Nicola, a failed bank employee, cares for her crippled sister Tracey, who's career in later years eclipsed that of Nicola. Now the two live together, their relationship affected by simmering subconscious thoughts of mutual envy, hate and revenge while they argue bitterly over the last bottle of sambuca."
(does anyone recognise this re-organised synopsis - DH - Movie will be sent to you in the next shipment once I find it!!)
Joan Crawford and Bette Davis. but without looking the movie up I don't know the name of it as I've never seen it (and am therefore very much looking forward to it).
We watched Walk The Line last night. Wonderful music. Wonderful performances by Joaquim Phoenix and Reece Witherspoon. I could see the accident with the saw coming a mile off (I once picked up a chain saw when it was going - luckily I had a glove on - so I know exactly how these things happen) so we skipped that bit.
Back to Soap tonight. Elaine is still alive.
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TopRank
Member
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Posted: 24 Jul 2006 10:26 pm |
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| My final take on hell: I'd be forced to do accounting for everyone else non-stop!
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TopRank
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Posted: 24 Jul 2006 10:28 pm |
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David Harcourt wrote: TopRank wrote: "Two aging sisters live as virtual recluses in an old Hamilton mansion. Nicola, a failed bank employee, cares for her crippled sister Tracey, who's career in later years eclipsed that of Nicola. Now the two live together, their relationship affected by simmering subconscious thoughts of mutual envy, hate and revenge while they argue bitterly over the last bottle of sambuca."
(does anyone recognise this re-organised synopsis - DH - Movie will be sent to you in the next shipment once I find it!!)
Joan Crawford and Bette Davis. but without looking the movie up I don't know the name of it as I've never seen it (and am therefore very much looking forward to it).
We watched Walk The Line last night. Wonderful music. Wonderful performances by Joaquim Phoenix and Reece Witherspoon. I could see the accident with the saw coming a mile off (I once picked up a chain saw when it was going - luckily I had a glove on - so I know exactly how these things happen) so we skipped that bit.
Back to Soap tonight. Elaine is still alive.
The name of the movie is Baby Jane. It's very cool. I've actually got a Theda Bara silent film and some other old stuff like that on DVD I'll send down. I've even got a box set including the first "movies" ever made. It's very interesting.
Walk The Line is a great movie - I loved it. 
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David Harcourt
Administrator
| Joined: | 31 Dec 1969 |
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| Posts: | 1127 |
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Posted: 25 Jul 2006 12:06 am |
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TopRank wrote: The name of the movie is Baby Jane. It's very cool. I've actually got a Theda Bara silent film and some other old stuff like that on DVD I'll send down. I've even got a box set including the first "movies" ever made. It's very interesting.
Walk The Line is a great movie - I loved it.
Many years ago - back when sailing ships plied the seas and everyone used quill pens and our meat was delivered wrapped in cabbage leaves - there was a TV series named Silents Please. (It's a pun.)
It consisted of half-hour versions of all the great silent movies. I remember the following, in particular:
* Rudolf Valentino in The Sheik and Four Horsemen of the Apocalype
* Charlie Chaplin in The Gold Rush (the one where he eats his bootlaces, twirling them on his fork like strands of spaghetti)
* Lillian Gish in The Wind
* the 1928 version of Ben Hur
* Douglas Fairbanks in The Black Pirate (the one where he sticks his cutlass into the mainsail and slides down to the deck: he did all his stunts himself)
I see from the IMDb that this series was made in 1960-61. Here is what the only comment on the series in the IMDb says:
Ah, THIS series takes me back to my childhood!
Ernie Kovacs, television's first true Renaissance Man, was not only a gifted actor, comedian, musician, and writer, but also was an unabashed fan of silent film, and he created "Silents Please" to share his love with a generation who had never experienced films without sound.
Kovacs would appear, in the same library setting he'd utilize for many of his comedy sketches, smoke a cigar, and introduce the evening's silent feature, in much the same manner as Bob Dorian would later do for American Movie Classics, and Robert Osborne, for Turner Classic Movies. Occasionally, a guest would join him to offer their insights, but this was really his segment, and his pleasure in discussing the featured film was obvious.
The films would, by necessity, be edited, and, in place of narration 'cards', writer/producer/film historian Paul Killiam would provide commentary, where necessary.
Unlike Jay Ward's "Fractured Flickers" (which people often confuse with "Silents Please"), no attempts to satirize the films were made (surprising many critics, expecting to find Kovacs' famous wit more in evidence). With its straightforward approach, the series was far ahead of its time.
With Kovacs' tragic death in a car accident, in early 1962, "Silents Please" would only have a limited television run, but it is fondly remembered!
So, yes, Silents Please!
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David Harcourt
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| Posts: | 1127 |
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Posted: 7 Sep 2006 11:31 pm |
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I have been thinking about how some of the discoveries made through this website and in the news in recent days are going to manifest themselves in Hell. It occurs to me that:
* When Germaine Greer goes to Hell, as she surely will, Steve Irwin will be there to talk to her all day and all night and forever about the expatriate experience and their differing perceptions of it.
* When Bob Clarkson goes to Hell, as he surely will, he will have to wear a yashmak, prepare Lebanese food all day (but not eat any of it) and keep completely silent at all time.
* When Rodney So'oialo goes to Hell, as he surely will, he will be playing for the All Blacks, which will be okay for him but Hell for the rest of us.
* And when I go to Hell, as I surely will ... well, I'll get on to that shortly.
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giraffeinfall
Member
| Joined: | 31 Dec 1969 |
| Location: | Australia |
| Posts: | 191 |
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Posted: 10 Sep 2006 12:18 pm |
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Speaking of Germaine Greer, she may find her self unable to contribute anything of an audible nature to this endless conversation in Hell:
Sydney's Daily Telegraph, outraged by Germaine's comments about Steve Irwin and egged on by its readers, has sent the " batty loudmouth " a muzzle "on behalf of all Australians furious over her comments about Steve Irwin" with the invitation "Germaine, try this for size"
You can see a pic of it at http://www.news.com.au/sundaytelegraph/story/0,,20371525-5001021,00.html
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giraffeinfall
Member
| Joined: | 31 Dec 1969 |
| Location: | Australia |
| Posts: | 191 |
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Posted: 10 Sep 2006 12:20 pm |
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| in fact, here it is: Attached Image (viewed 104 times):
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David Harcourt
Administrator
| Joined: | 31 Dec 1969 |
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| Posts: | 1127 |
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Posted: 8 Apr 2007 05:27 am |
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Pope Benedict XVI has, as was to be expected, given his background (as Cardinal Ratzinger he was Head of Catholic Doctrine, or chief ideological enforcer), turned out to be another one of those "Popes for the Vatican" which, unsurprisingly, the College of Cardinals keeps launching onto an undeserving world.
For those who came in late, there are three kinds of Pope:
* Popes for the Vatican, who attempt to take the Church backwards
* Popes for the Catholics of the world, who take the Church nowhere ("thank you, thank you, you've been a lovely audience, now let's have lots more of you, please")
* Popes for the people of the World, who attempt to take the Church forward into the world (e.g. John XXIII and ... well, John XXIII was definitely a Pope of this kind and there may well have been others; I'll get back to you about this).
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David Harcourt
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Posted: 8 Apr 2007 05:27 am |
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Last October, Benedict announced that Limbo - which Dante defined as the First Circle of Hell - was only "a theological hypothesis".
There are those of us who consider that God, the Holy Ghost, angels and the rest of the saintly crew are all "theological hypotheses", but let that pass. Having rid Catholic theology of the concept of Limbo, Pope Benedict has now announced that the revolting - and comical where it is not revolting - concept of Hell is also to be consigned to the dustbin of theological history.
Sadly, on this latter point I'm kidding. Pope Benedict has in fact formally declared that Hell is a reality: sinners really do burn in an everlasting fire.
You and I, gentle reader, had better get used to the idea, because we're going to Hell unless we "admit our blame and promise to sin no more".
That may seem a little vague, but there is a very specific element of "sin" in this context: if we don't explicitly believe in God - and here Pope Benedict means the God of the Christian Church and, specifically, Catholicism - we will be deemed to have "freely and definitively separated ourselves from God, the source of all life and joy".
In doing so, we will have condemned ourselves to "a state of eternal separation from God".
Another name for this state is, wait for it, Hell.
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David Harcourt
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Posted: 8 Apr 2007 08:54 am |
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So:
* You can do anything you like in life - sleep all day, or murder tens of millions of people, if that is your inclination and within your power - but if you repent and "believe in God', Heaven awaits you.
* On the other hand, you can sleep all day, or save millions of lives if that is your inclination and within your power, but if you don't "believe in God" Hell awaits you.
What strikes me as incredible is the fact that hundreds of millions of people actually believe this kind of thing (and many equally strange propositions of this kind) to be true.
Are they all crazy, or is it me?
Do we live in the 21st century, or have we very recently passed through some revolving door, on the other side of which lies the Middle Ages?
And shall we return through this door to the age of witchcraft any moment now?
Was Adolf Hitler merely the guardian of the revolving door?
I would really like to know.
Meantime, I'm very, very confident of one thing:
If there is a God or Gods then she, he, it or they will have the afterlife organised quite differently from the arrangements envisaged by Pope Benedict.
Surprises all around, perhaps?
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